This first post is for the guy who lives above me:
Dear Upstairs Neighbor,
I hope things are going well for you! For me, unfortunately, I’ve been having some
trouble sleeping. Surprisingly, it seems
that the loud noises late at night that emanate from your unit above mine
aren’t the best for one who’s trying to drift peacefully off into
unconsciousness. Yeah, I’m just as
shocked as you are!
I hate to be one of “those people,” stooping so low as to
write a letter such as this. But I’ve
asked you politely twice now, once at 2 a.m., and then this morning at 5:30,
for you to quiet down, but the quiet never seems to last for long. Therefore, I feel I have no choice but to
continue writing this letter to carefully explain some things to you.
When, at 5:30 in the morning, your neighbor knocks on your
door, I’m glad you realize that you’ve been too loud. It was thoughtful of you to turn your TV down
some. However, cackling like a hyena
with your friend is also disturbing to a peaceful night’s rest.
The constant stomping and running around isn’t very helpful,
either. It’s a very small apartment, so
I’m not sure where you’re finding all this room to even run. It’s possible that you’re exercising, but
perhaps you could do that outdoors instead of above me, since you find it
necessary to do it so very early in the morning. If not, you may end up breaking through the
floor/ceiling at the rate you’re going.
Unless that’s your ultimate goal.
If so, keep it up! You’re doing
great!
Also, I’m not sure what makes you think that blasting the TV
loudly at 5:30 is any different than blasting music loudly at 7. That hour and a half difference isn’t much to
someone you’ve been keeping up for the last two hours. I assure you, to others not in your unit,
loud music and loud TV early in the morning are very much the same. I understand that the sun is rising at that
point, so some people may be awakening, but remember that we aren’t all you. In fact, I’m actually a different
person! Again, I’m just as shocked as
you are!
I know that night hammering is a common practice where
you’re from. I assume others find it as
a soothing, inspiring instrumental piece, which could be performed by the
greatest musicians in the world. I do
not find it as inspirational, but perhaps you just need more practice. Maybe hammering during the day rather than
the middle of the night would make the melody sound better.
I also understand that, maybe, just maybe, your work
schedule is during the night shift or second shift or something to that effect. What I don’t understand is, why does it
always sound like you’re home and never sleeping? The stomping never seems to cease, and I
wonder what your secret to eternal consciousness is.
That being said, if you’re going to be up during all hours
of the night, try to remember that you’re not the only one in this
building. Maybe you thought, at the
steep prices these units are, you must have rented out the whole building,
rather than that little studio. But I
assure you, you’re just paying for the one unit.
Since you seem to be new to being around other humans, here
are some suggestions for ways to quiet down:
- Try lowering the volume of the TV to less than 50. It’s a very tiny studio, so you’ll still be
able to hear it wherever you are in the apartment. Trust me, I lived in that same unit for 5
months. You could also take a gander at
the captions button. I regularly use it
myself. But maybe you’re blind and/or
illiterate, which would be an understandable excuse. (It would also make reading this letter
rather difficult. I’ll attach an extra
copy in brail, just in case.)
- Try walking like a human, rather than your attempts
stomping around as a T. Rex, or ogre, or Snorlax. Those are fine characters to practice during
the day, but are less likable creatures at night.
- I think it’s great that you find many things so funny, but
at 5 a.m., your neighbors are less likely to do the same. Your hyena cackling can startle some people
awake. As in the above tip, imitating creatures
at night is frowned upon.
- Try using headphones to listen to music. Since it’s always played so loudly, I can
only assume that you’re trying to make yourself deaf. Wearing headphones while listening to loud
music will definitely speed up the process!
Unless you’re going to teach me your secrets of eternal
consciousness, or bribe me with lots and lots of free food, you’re going to
need to take a step back and regroup for your plans as a continuing
tenant. But if you follow these useful
tips, I’m sure we can make this an enjoyable stay for all of us!
Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighbor
